I didn't trust love enough...

A long time ago, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be like my mother.

That I wouldn’t be cold and distant, that I wouldn’t be inattentive, that I would be a different mother.

And then my firstborn was born, and I – so afraid of becoming my mother, so afraid that he would be hurt by me like I was hurt by my mother – closed my heart and pushed him away from me emotionally.

Unconsciously, I wanted to keep him away from the pain I might cause him, but in practice, I did exactly what I was afraid of.

My personal journey has shown me this –

How my fear of hurting my children was the source of my closed heart, and the source of choosing my career over parenting.

Yes, I’m a great mother, and yes, I’m a therapist in the parenting field.

And yet – even when I was at home, an almost full-time mom – my soul yearned to go out and free myself from the shackles of motherhood, because in my inner experience, motherhood didn’t exist.

On the journey I went on, I saw how as a soul, and also as Yael, I made a commitment to love, but in practice – at the moment of truth, in this life – I chose fear.

And when I did that, I broke my contract with my children.

I didn't trust love enough.

As I progressed on my journey, I saw my mother and all the times she betrayed me, and I realized that part of being a parent is betraying your children, committing to something and then not fulfilling it, or fulfilling it in part.

I saw how my grandmother did the same to my mother, how mothers around the world have always betrayed their children.

And then I realized another thing:

From my mother's betrayal of me, and from the pain she created – I grew and developed.

And this is what will happen to my children if they choose it.

I don't know how to suddenly become a motherly mother, and how my relationship with my children, who themselves are almost never home, will change.

But the understanding of recycling and intergenerational transfer, the understanding that betrayals are both painful and help us to grow, and the realization that I wanted to choose love but in reality I chose fear – these understandings give me inner peace.

And from this peace, something will come.

I don't know what...

Something.